14/11/2005
Dear God
I'm sitting in our lone bathroom with tears flowing from
profusely from my eyes. I'm attempting to sum up my innermost feelings and fill
a few blank pages with pieces of my shattered heart.
To be blunt: I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel like
my existence is an oxymoron to my being. Papa certainly feels that way. Not
only am I not an ideal daughter in his eyes but that I influence my siblings to
do wrong and ill treat him. In other words there is nothing that I've done for
him despite him having done ‘so much’ for me.
Then, if that isn't enough I have to deal with society and
their ridiculous expectations of beauty. That I'm not fair makes me the least
possible candidate for marriage. Apparently a man’s only concern is the colour
of a woman’s skin and nothing else. As much as I try to break through these
dogmatic principles I find myself crumbling every once in a while.
I can keep showing a brave face, but for how long? I can
keep pretending that everything is as it should be, but till when?
If anybody ever reads this they might probably consider me
ungrateful, perhaps they’d even label me dramatic, but right now, I'm not
looking at life from an angle of someone who has become accustomed to their
ordeals, but from that of a teenager.
In the face of it all I can’t help but wonder if dreams ever
do become a reality, if pain can ever be erased?
(Writing is really therapeutic, my tears have momentarily
stopped).
I don’t understand this obsession with external beauty. What
about personality? Is good character no longer an essential?
I accept that there are many bounties of which, in writing
this, I have overlooked. But just for this once, I want to convey my
grievances, to allow my anguish to take reign and my conscience to clear itself
of all defiance.
I've been grappling with issues of insecurity for far too
long and I think it’s time to look beyond them, to establish a positive
attitude and to remind myself that despite what the world may say, I'm worth
it. After all, YOU ordained my birth. There must have been a good enough reasoning for that.
I better get going. I've been sitting in the bathroom for
far too long.
Oh, It’s raining! I can hear the sound of raindrops against
gravel. And now I'm smiling. It’s truly remarkable how something like rain can
lift my spirits.
Thank you for listening
Ta
