Chapter 46 | Dear God | Feelings and stuff

14/11/2005

Dear God

I'm sitting in our lone bathroom with tears flowing from profusely from my eyes. I'm attempting to sum up my innermost feelings and fill a few blank pages with pieces of my shattered heart.

To be blunt: I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel like my existence is an oxymoron to my being. Papa certainly feels that way. Not only am I not an ideal daughter in his eyes but that I influence my siblings to do wrong and ill treat him. In other words there is nothing that I've done for him despite him having done ‘so much’ for me.

Then, if that isn't enough I have to deal with society and their ridiculous expectations of beauty. That I'm not fair makes me the least possible candidate for marriage. Apparently a man’s only concern is the colour of a woman’s skin and nothing else. As much as I try to break through these dogmatic principles I find myself crumbling every once in a while.

I can keep showing a brave face, but for how long? I can keep pretending that everything is as it should be, but till when?

If anybody ever reads this they might probably consider me ungrateful, perhaps they’d even label me dramatic, but right now, I'm not looking at life from an angle of someone who has become accustomed to their ordeals, but from that of a teenager.

In the face of it all I can’t help but wonder if dreams ever do become a reality, if pain can ever be erased?

(Writing is really therapeutic, my tears have momentarily stopped).

I don’t understand this obsession with external beauty. What about personality? Is good character no longer an essential?

I accept that there are many bounties of which, in writing this, I have overlooked. But just for this once, I want to convey my grievances, to allow my anguish to take reign and my conscience to clear itself of all defiance.

I've been grappling with issues of insecurity for far too long and I think it’s time to look beyond them, to establish a positive attitude and to remind myself that despite what the world may say, I'm worth it. After all, YOU ordained my birth. There must have been a good enough reasoning for that.

I better get going. I've been sitting in the bathroom for far too long.

Oh, It’s raining! I can hear the sound of raindrops against gravel. And now I'm smiling. It’s truly remarkable how something like rain can lift my spirits.

Thank you for listening

Ta